Contemplations of Another Stormy Night
by AnimePhr33k
Summary: A few weeks after Shishio dies, Soujiro is left alone and confused in the world. On one particularly stormy night, much like the one so many years ago when Shishio and the Tenken first met, Soujiro finds solace in talking to the Shishio-sama's memory.


A/N: This was kinda a spur of the moment deal, and I started it at 3AM in the morning while suffering the Stomach flu, so please have pity if it's horrible… oO;; 

Disclaimer: I got the lyrics for "Runaway" off of Lyrics.com, and they belong to Linkin Park. I do not own Soujiro *pout pout* or any of the Rurouni Kenshin characters or situations. Don's sue or I shall sic my evil rabid monkeys on you.

**_Contemplations of Another Stormy Night_**

(Subtitled: Conversations with Ghosts)

**** **** **** **** **_Graffiti decorations_**

**_Under a sky of dust_**

****

It was a cloudy day, gray lumps of cotton shadowed out the sun, giving the forlorn promise of rain. I hate rain. Storms always bring back my memories…memories I'd much rather forget.

****

**_A constant wave of tension_**

**_On top of broken trust_**

****

Why I ever believed you, Shishio-sama, is a mystery to me. After all, you didn't help me did you? You would have just as soon let my family kill me all those years back…you really are an evil man. 

****

**_The lessons that you taught me_**

**_I learned were never true_**

****

And since then, since that fateful stormy day, I have followed you blindly. You said to me that "The strong will survive, and the weak will die." Those were the words that gave me the power to survive, those were the words that kept me alive, and those were the words that caused me to break. Everything you had taught me was wrong, it was all horribly wrong…and Mister Himura showed me that.

****

**_Now I find myself in question_**

**_[They point the finger at me again]_**

****

Since my fight with Mister Himura, the one that let me see the real light, I've been running. I've been running away from not only my past, but also my present. They want me dead; they want the Tenken dead. Everyone does. The government, the people…the families of those I killed…

****

**_Guilty by association_**

**_[You point the finger at me again]_**

****

All because of what you told me to do. I am a wanted criminal because I listened to you. To them I am no more than the boy assassin, the Tenken, Shishio's right-hand-man. It's true though, isn't it? I am no more than that…for the past ten years I have locked Soujiro up tight, and never let him out. Caged behind a smile.

****

****

**_I wanna run away_**

**_Never say good-bye_**

****

I just want to die, to have it all float away…then maybe I will finally stop having to live like this… But I can't do that. Mister Himura told me that I had to find my own truths, and to atone for all my sins as part of the Juppongatana by helping people. Helping people? Feh. Just weeks ago I would have been baffled by the simple idea, and now I am doing it. Everything has changed, hasn't it Shishio-sama?

****

**_I wanna know the truth_**

**_Instead of wondering why_**

****

Something still eludes me though, Shishio-sama. Mister Himura had told me to find my own truth. Where do I look? I don't even know where to start…for so long, it was simple. Kill or be killed. And then smile afterwards. But now everything has been flipped upside-down, and I am so confused.

****

**_I wanna know the answers_**

**_No more lies_**

****

I have found that the world is a very dirty place. I used to believe that everything was clean and simple, that everyone lived like you Shishio-sama. But it's all different out here, in this strange world. I barely have any money left, and I've started sleeping outside more and more often…I had almost forgotten what that was like.

****

**_I wanna shut the door_**

**_And open up my mind_**

****

No matter how hard it is, being a wanderer, I somehow find it strangely…fulfilling. Isn't that odd? Though I have nothing, and often go for long periods without eating, I am…happier. And that indeed is a familiar emotion, but now if feels different. Lighter. Easier…

****

****

**_Paper bags and angry voices_**

**_Under a sky of dust_**

****

They chase me, the police do. I don't kill them though… They follow me everywhere, trying to catch up, shouting at me. They're still mad at me for killing all those people, they're still mad at you. Since you're gone though Shishio-sama, they come after the next best person: me.

****

**_Another wave of tension_**

**_Has more than filled me up_**

****

I can't stand living like this. I can't stand fleeing from the weak. But I have to. Before I wouldn't have even considered letting those men live, I wouldn't have waited two seconds before finishing them all off, but now…but now I can't. Mister Himura told me not to.

****

**_All my talk of taking action_**

**_These words were never true_**

****

And now I feel bad. I told Mister Himura that I'd find my own truth, that I'd atone for my sins, that I'd become a better…happier person. But I haven't. No matter how hard I try, I can't find any truth. None. Yours was the only truth that I ever thought existed, and now it's gone. Just like that. I haven't atoned for my sins yet either…unless you call not killing atoning. That should be enough though, shouldn't it? Those men chase after me, threaten my life, and I haven't killed them…that has to count for something, shouldn't it Shishio-sama?

****

**_Now I find myself in question_**

**_[They point the finger at me again]_**

****

No matter how many times I've apologized, no matter how many times I've left them alive, they still think I'm a bad person. I am though, aren't I? I am a bad person. Just as bad as you Shishio-sama. I've killed many, just like you, and the entire time I wore a smile. They called me the 'Heartless Assassin', simply because I could not frown. Would they rather have had me cry? I don't understand them Shishio-sama…I don't understand anything any more.

****

**_Guilty by association_**

**_[You point the finger at me again]_**

****

And as strange as this sounds, Shishio-sama, I miss you. I know you probably wouldn't even give my death a second thought, but I am different than you. I miss you and Miss Yumi…I hope you are both very happy wherever you are, because no matter how much bad you've done in the world, you saved my life more times than I can count. I hated you for lying to me, for using my power, and for manipulating me…but you were always there. When no one else even gave a thought to my existence, you were there, teaching me to become strong…and I thank you for that.

****

****

**_I wanna run away_**

**_Never say good-bye_**

****

The rain is falling again Shishio-sama, just like it did so many years ago. It is hammering down from the sky, and pounding relentlessly on the ground. It just keeps coming and coming. And coming still. Just like the tears. I'm crying Shishio-sama. And I don't know why. It's odd, before I couldn't cry, but now…but now it seems so easy. People say I cry because I am sad. Am I sad Shishio-sama? What is sadness? Is it what I felt that night when I killed my family? Is that why I was crying? You didn't see my tears that night. You couldn't, in the rain. Tell me, Shishio-sama, can you see them now?

****

**_I wanna know the truth_**

**_Instead of wondering why_**

****

Do you miss me Shishio-sama? I know it is pointless to ask…I think the only person that I've ever met that would ever miss me is Kamatari-san. He was always nice to me, even though he didn't like it that I was stronger. Is strength really a good thing anyway? Everyone hates me because I am strong…the Juppongatana did, the world does…and I think you did too. You were always one step ahead of me in strength, but then I was only one step behind. It infuriated you to know that I, a mere child, could be as powerful as I was. Born with skills that most never even dream of achieving, I was never far behind no matter how strong you got…No matter how many you killed, I was never far behind…

****

**_I wanna know the answers_**

**_No more lies_**

****

Being alone is strange Shishio-sama… there is no one to talk to, no one to smile at. I was never really alone before now; there was my family, then you. But now there's no one. There is a strange void within me, that won't seem to go away. It is different than the void I felt before…it's more painful. Before I had my happiness, my smile. Now I don't. Now I simply have hate and fear and anger…you know what Shishio-sama? They're not very nice feelings.

****

**_I wanna shut the door_**

**_And open up my mind_**

****

I know you know what it is like to die Shishio-sama, but do you know what it is like to explode? To explode the way I did when Mister Himura made me unlock all my emotions? To be ripped apart from the inside on out? It hurts Shishio-sama. Gods it hurts. But you know what? It's better than feeling all numb inside.

~owari~

A/N: Review and I'll love you forever!! ^-^;;


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